Ratigan's Secret Ritual
by StupidSequel
Summary: In this made up crack fic prequel, Ratigan has a tradition for each crime he commits. He sings a villain song and secretly picks a mouse he doesn't like to pressure to call him a rat so he can get mad and feed them to his fat cat. Until he accidentally reveals it in earshot of everyone, so Felicia nearly starves because no one dares call him a rat. Meanwhile, H. Flaversham is busy.


**Ratigan's Secret Ritual**

(This is a prequel to Disney's The Great Mouse Detective. After watching The Great Mouse Detective for the first time in StarClan knows how long (on Netflix), I can haz inspiration. Actually much of this was inspired by the WMG entries on TvTropes.)

Prologue: A mouse wearing a Pinkie Pie shirt was at the bar. He was wolf whistling at Miss Kitty, who took her dance one step further by taking Ke$ha's advice and taking it off. The Brony mouse made off with Miss Kitty's clothes while she wasn't looking, and threw them in the Thames river.

"You look hot. I wanna do anything to you."

"I'm married," Miss Kitty asserted.

"Well ** you!" Can anyone think of a two letter expletive? Cause I'm too lazy.

"I love you because you're pretty and no other reason."

"Get out!" the Brony mouse was thrown on the street. He saw a group of Ratigan's henchmen conversing quietly and pointing at him.

And now, Ratigan's villain song:

"The mouse that made headlines in every newspaper, who will bring about an even worse caper," Ratigan sang. Silence followed by crickets chirping.

"Do we have to all sing every time you commit one of your crimes?" the lizard moaned.

"Yeah. Bill has a point," one of Ratigan's cronies added. Ratigan face palmed.

"Of course you do. Start singing right now or I feed you to my pet kitty." He whispered something in the ears of all his cronies. They all nodded in agreement.

Sometime later during the villain song, Ratigan's cronies sang the lyrics "and that's that."

"To Ratigan the world's greatest rat." A drunk mouse wearing a shirt with Pinkie Pie on it sang.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Ratigan snarled.

"I'm sure it was a slip of the tongue," someone stuttered.

"Guards! Take him to the cat." A couple buff looking mice escorted the Brony mouse to a small opening in the wall. All of Ratigan's cronies cringed. Lisa found himself in a large room, with thundering pawsteps toward him.

The mice outside heard a gulp.

"I trust there will be no further interruptions?" Ratigan threatened.

"EVEN LOUDER! Oh Ratigan. Oh Ratigan. The world's greatest criminal mind who is definitely, absolutely positively 100% not a rat." Ratigan nodded. Yadda yadda.

After Ratigan's villain song, they started discussing Ratigan's latest plan.

Basil was working in his science lab, getting mad at two bullets not matching when looking through his microscope.

"Eff dis!" He looked out the window to see a plane crashing into Big Ben and Big Ben going up in flames.

"NOOOO! Now how is anyone in the entire Mousedom gonna know what time it is?" He saw a charred bat shape fall out of the plane just before it hit the clock tower. He recognized it as Ratigan's butt monkey Fidget. "RATIGAN!" Basil shouted through clenched teeth.

"He he, perfect work, Fidget. Now no mouse is ever gonna know what time it is. Then they will always be late for work, thus making the economy fall."

"We think a terrorist was the one that blew up the Big Ben. And we know Mouse Qaeda lives in Afghanistan, so you all will fight a War on Terror there. Your mission is to kill them all, including the mastermind Mousama bin Laden." Dr. Dawson listened to the sergeant mouse's instructions. All the mouse troops boarded a pedal powered blimp, similar to the one Ratigan threw Fidget out of toward the climax of the actual movie. They rode over to Afghanistan.

"You might think we're enemies, but we're enemies for the common good: revenge. Everybody likes revenge, so LET'S GO GET SOME!"

A tall, old looking mouse wearing a turban greeted them.

"Well well well. Welcome TO MY LAIR!" He said those last three words in a deep voice.

Remember towards the beginning of the actual movie when Dr. Dawson mentioned military service in Afghanistan? Yup.

Basil went over to Haram Flaversham's door.

"Mister Flaversham. We need to talk."

"Come in."

Basil was impressed by all the toys and gadgets that lined Haram's workspace. So distracted he nearly bumped into Mrs. Brisby and Bianca.

"I am only a mouse and so have hardly any sense of smell, and I'm too small to go anywhere quickly, so do you think you can conjure up a robotic basset hound for me to use as a car? I see you made this life size robotic mouse."

"Yeah. She's my daughter. I named her Olivia and I made her. I never was good at talking to girls, so using my brain and taking the lazy way out rather than having to use my nonexistent social skills, I just made a robotic daughter. I am thinking about making a robotic family. I'll be happy to make you a robotic basset hound."

"Oh, and one more thing. Since basset hounds are so much bigger than mice and that I might have trouble getting onto 'him' can you make his ear transform into stairs on a whim."

"Certainly."

When the robotic basset hound was done, Basil was amazed.

"I'll call you Toby, after my favorite character in Thomas the Tank Engine."

"You watch that dumb show? Dude. You suck." Haram teased.

I guess this explains how Toby's ear transformed into stairs at one point in the regular movie. Unless my hypothesis is correct, the unrealistic idea of a hound's ear becoming stairs seems out of place in a movie full of nightmare fuel, jump scares, sexy curvy mice, and the finest CGI gear maze ever in a Disney movie! Yes, I know it's a movie about anthropomorphic mice that converse with bats and lizards, and that's unrealistic, but I think there should be some kind of internal logic too. What's next, is Toby going to learn how to make his ear become an escalator, and then an elevator? This is almost worse than the balloon snake scene in Secret of NIMH 2, but still less jarring than the scene in All Dogs Go To Heaven 2 where the dogs accidentally fall out of heaven. If I could accidentally fall out of heaven at any point, what would be the point of repenting? Hmmm, that would be an idea for an All Dogs Go To Heaven crack. Having to install guard rails on each and every cloud in fluffy cloud heaven.

After Basil somehow defeated Ratigan, Ratigan was back in his secret lair.

"Well, the Big Ben caper failed. I was so close, but then Basil had to ruin everything by doing whatever he did to solve the mystery and incriminate me."

"Um, Ratigan." It was Miss Kitty. Much to the furry fanboys' dismay, the completely nude mouse was covered in black censor bars. "My clothes were thrown in the Thames river by some lustful mouse. I think he was the same mouse that you fed to your morbidly obese cat."

"That's funny. I never noticed Felicia being morbidly obese. To me she looks anorexic and doesn't eat enough. Why else do you think I purposely make the most unpopular mouse call me a rat whenever I sing my villain song about whatever crime I'm about to commit?" Some gasps were heard from Ratigan's cronies who were also in the room. "Oh drat! Um, guys. That was just a scare tactic. I don't really do that."

"Yeah, sure."

All around the bad guy bar and the hideout, there was that info spreading like wildfire.

"The most unpopular mouse is fed to his pet cat!"

"Oh no! You don't think I'm unpopular enough, do I?"

Ratigan face palmed. "What have I done? Why did I have to let the cat out of the bag? Now all the unpopular mice know what fate befalls them. I guess we'll carry on as usual."

"And that's that."

A drunk mouse said "To Ratigan the world's greatest mouse and definitely not a rat."

Ratigan held an angry look on his face for a split second but it went away just like that. The song proceeded as normal.

After a few more villain songs and crimes and Basil solving them, Felicia was getting weak and skinny.

"Oh no! My poor Felicia. How could I let this happen?"

"Um, Ratigan." It was Fidget. "I don't think I can help you with anymore crimes. I have diabetus, so my foot will have to go."

"Oh no you don't! Stop making up excuses. Here, make do with a pegleg. And please learn to fly. For God's sake, YOU'RE A BAT, not a penguin!" When no one was looking, Ratigan and Fidget shared an Intamin moment kissing. Wait, did I say Intamin? I meant intimate. Sorry. Hung out too much on CoasterChan.

Ratigan called a bad guy meeting.

"My pet cat Felicia is dying and she only eats mice. But no one is attempting to press my berserk button by calling me a rat, so that's why I haven't fed her in so long. Well, change of plans. From now on, whoever is deemed my most unpopular crony will be cat food." Everyone gulped.

"Hey, let's spread demeaning rumors about Bill the Lizard."

"Nah. I like him."

"We should all agree that Miss Kitty should be left alone since she only exists as fanservice and no other reason."

"I don't wanna be cat food."

"No one does, but someone has to be voted the most unpopular. Might as well be you."

It was an all-out race to try to avoid being the most unpopular of Ratigan's cronies. A bunch of his cronies (most of which were never named and I don't feel like giving them names) were humiliating one another in various ways, like pouring acid because they didn't think mice with severe scars would be very popular, to digging up dirt. And all it takes is one embarrassing tidbit put on the internet to fire someone from every job ever for life without parole. It could be one rain drop in the ocean, but that one drop could be enough to make someone the laughingstock cuz what goes on the internet stays on the internet. Each villain song for each crime, he found himself one crony short more.

It went on like that until eventually Ratigan ran out of cronies to feed Felicia.

"Oh crap. I'm here alone. Sure is quiet. That speaking role I had in Michael Jackson's Thriller song was the most fun I had when I wasn't on one of my crime sprees." A tumbleweed rolled by. Fidget looked at him angrily. Ratigan sighed angrily. "Except for you, Fidget. Hmmm. I should have Haram Flaversham build me robotic versions of my minions. Except you, Fidget. Felicia needs more iron in her diet anyway."

So he sent Fidget out to capture Haram and… now the events of the first movie take place (Dawson went AWOL by pretending to be homosexual). Haram built Ratigan's minions offscreen. And then the robot Queen.


End file.
